I have been considering doing this post for quite sometime now, regarding My Battle with Panic Attacks, if interested, you can view all the “Certificates” issued by my Doctor’s. Through out the early years, when fear and the Panic attacks were rampant, I questioned myself, can and will I really ever be free from this horror? Back in the 1980′s and 1990’s when I was really struggling with the Attacks, there was no diagnosis for the condition, not even a medical term. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as Panic Attacks I just new something was not right. There were times I was going to talk to my Doctor about it, but always lost my nerve, not aware of the medical condition “Panic Disorder”, pushing it aside not knowing what question I really wanted to ask, the truth is I was also to ashamed to talk to anyone about it. The attacks persisted up through the years, which for the most part terrified me most times, it also had a profound effect on my quality of life and those around me felt that for sure, it’s the reason they are not around me any longer. So I would suffer alone and in silence until 2002, when my Doctor finally diagnosed me correctly with “Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder.” my Doctor at that time, Dr Kwong in Brampton, On released me from working, finally my life long enemy and abuser had a name, as it’s easier to fight an enemy you can now identify, and know how to fight it. While the attacks were accompanied by Social Anxiety, Stress and depression. My Doctor prescribed Anti-Depressants “Effexor”, after six months, due to unbearable side effects, I made a decision, and gave them up. They worked temporarily, but didn’t really solve my problem, I was still experiencing fear and anxiety which usually resulted in Panic Attacks, at times it would only take someone to get angry and start yelling, totally nothing to do with me, for that matter not even directed at me, but still I would start to tremble, sweat and feel intense fear, as if my very own life was in immediate danger. Many symptoms didn’t appear until much later, usually over time as a result, which also contribute to difficulties in our every day activities. The level of worries I experienced at that moment would be irrational or have no solid basis to really cause such a high level of anxiety, but it was as real as the air I was breathing. An example: “Your getting ready to go to the corner store, but you start experiencing intense fear and anxiety as if you were about to embark on a bungee jump, stupid I know but the fear and anxiety is very real and intense at times depending on the situation, then only to grow more intense. Your immediate thought is to stay home, saying I’m not going, immediately starting to feel relief, reducing the anxiety, now also feeling more relaxed knowing I now did not have to leave my comfort zone, the cause for the elevated anxiety, this worked very efficiently, as the anxiety gradually subsided, but unfortunately it kinda sucked if you are at work and just up and leave, walk out without telling anyone. I started to believe that maybe I would have this condition for the rest of my life, or having to take medication everyday for the rest of my life that was useless. There was even a time I thought I would have these attacks until the day I died, seems I was not far off, considering my age now “53”. I seldom suffer from a major Panic Attack as often, or as intense any more, but the anxiety and fear still makes me aware of it’s presence more times then enough. All the years of living with the condition, and a victim of Bullying, Mobbing and Harassment, hasn’t helped either, rather it without a doubt has certainly shaped who I am today. It has affected me sociably, personally and medically. I take the easy route now, not straying to far, remaining close to my comfort zone, not leaving unless I absolutely have to. One problem that is still a concern and still very real is the grinding of my teeth, unaware of doing so while sleeping, which has always been an issue as well for many many years, not to mention the pain I suffered and still do from toothaches, headaches, and earaches caused by the grinding which also affected my ability to consume basic necessities such as food, I bet that put a smile on a few faces :-). I put my name on the waiting list for a family physician more than two years ago, to no end, having seen 3 to 4 Doctor’s over the last 5 years, all refusing to surrender a diagnose or treatment for that matter. I now only have one half the teeth I began with, missing jaw teeth and the ones that remain are if not curved like a banana, broken off are loose as well, ready to fall out at any time like the others. I have been keeping these teeth as they fall out, and to look at the teeth in my hand, it’s amazing how a perfectly fine tooth, could just fall out, knowing they should still be in my mouth. Hope is powerful! The biggest enemy to freedom is losing hope. It’s too easy to give up and surrender to fear when you have no hope. I now believe that it might just be possible someday to be completely free from anxiety, fear and Panic Attacks, but one condition I believe will always be a part of who I am is “Social Anxiety, the fear runs deep and a complete lack of trust that I now feel will probably remain, as there are things, places and people I have to avoid, due to fear of recurring Panic Attacks or increased anxiety, only when I close this chapter of my life for good, will I see freedom from this condition and I really believe that because I have seen it in my life for far to long.
In closing I would like to add, these events has taken it’s toll on my life and unfortunately it may have influenced the lives of others as well in the process, if that be the case, I sincerely apologize to those, as it was not my intention to inflict hurt upon anyone, physical or Mentally please forgive me?…..cheers…Lotsa Luv 🙂
– My Visit to The Residential Landlord and Tenant Tribunal
– The Bully Effect.
– Conservative Government Rejects “National Bullying Prevention Strategy”
– Stepping Back From The Edge
– WHAT SHOULD I CHOOSE TO BE FREE FROM ANXIETY (Panic Yesterday)
– What Are Panic Attacks
– Why DSM-5 Is Important To Employers
– What Happened? (Sept 10, 2013)
– How to Reduce Anxiety and Panic Disorders (Confidential Rx)
– It’s Not in My Head (Not Really) and No, I’m Not Crazy (Not Really) (Just Words)
– The Fear is Here (SURVIVING AS A MENTALIST)
– Panic Away (Panic Yesterday-About panic disorder and the road towards freedom)