“Yes it will be a grace if I die. To exist is pain. Life is no desire of mine anymore.” ― Sophocles,
To start off and jump right in, it’s been awhile since I have done a post here, especially in my own words, but this story has been called upon to be known.
I have been asked many times why I do what I do, and why it matters to me, you don’t have any kids to worry about their future I’ve been told. Some even demanded I stop what I am doing, it’s none of my business very firmly.
I am sure that once you finish reading you will have a better understanding of why the fight for equality and equal rights for LGBTQI2SI people, these issues I hold close to my heart because I’ve been there and take the hatred sorta personal now.
I now consider the LGBTQI2SI community as a distinct society, why? well to answer that I will have to take you back to 1979, when I was at the ripe age of 19.
A time when I’m not liking myself or the life ahead me very much, especially after witnessing what the local town folk referred to as the town queer being beaten by youth many times and how they enjoyed it, but myself no better to stand there and watch while the reality of what I would have to face was far to clear. I would pray as often as I could asking God to change me because I was terrified of what I was and life in general.
Towards the end of the year, late September I scored an Employment opportunity in Labrador City working as a payroll clerk in the mines for The Iron Ore Company of Canada (I.O.C) which temperately occupied my thoughts. I did not understand why I was not attracted to girls, not because I couldn’t get them, not to boast but I had lots to choose from but avoided all of them.
I was determined not to live a gay life and just decided I would forget all about it and started dating one of the my girls friends. But the attraction to boys does not go away, I found myself always looking at the boys and this made me hate myself even more because for the most part it was how I felt after a gay encounter, at which time swearing it would never happen again, so I can relate totally and understand completely why we are so ridiculed and rejected by society.
After a encounter with a first timer, also a friend, he himself had the same reaction which was not a good scene and lead to a pretty nasty fight. The next night at a party with some friends and having way to many beers I left the party alone and went to my sisters, well to my surprise the friend had paid my sister a visit and blamed me for forcing him to have sex, long story short he would end up my secret lover for many years to come until he contracted the HIV virus. Now living in the gay village in Toronto watching all my friends dying around me was the most trying time, I again wanted and was waiting to die. I decided to go back in the closet and left the village and moved to North York a Toronto suburb.
Anyway back to my sister’s place and that dreadful night, she was very upset and said she was going to call and tell our Mother, at that point I was sick to my stomach, I did not want anyone to know especially not my mother. I decided at that instance that I wanted to die and grabbed a knife that was just in front of me on the Kitchen counter top with a 8 inch blade and viciously rammed it into my abdomen (laymen terms Stomach).
Waking up three days later in hospital, wrapped from head to groin unable to move in a room with two other guys. It would be a week before I was back on my feet and another week before I was released. During the week I was bed ridden I got a visit from my brother in law, he said your sister is in this hospital too, a couple rooms down, I asked why, he replied, the trauma from you stabbing yourself in front of her, she had a miscarriage and turned around and left.
I believed that my punishment for failing was now beginning and now wished I was dead. The day before being released I had to see a psychiatrist, the first question he asked was, “Why did you try to kill yourself?” of course I lied, I would not dare tell him the truth. He responded by saying you are very lucky, I did not ever think it was possible, It is amazing how you managed to drive a 8 inch blade all the way into your abdomen and miss every organ causing no serious injury, your free to leave when ever you choose, I was ready and left for home from his office.
Upon arriving home, still living in Labrador City I called my mother whom was in Stephenville, told me to just come home. I returned home, found a girlfriend and was Married six months later, never to ever talk to anyone about what happened to date, and I woke up still not dead again today. 😀
So the moral of this story, it’s twice as hard for us to accept who we are then you, when you are hated for who you are, live means little, but with everything inside us we know we cannot change, left with only a few choices, live life to the fullest in the closet and marry, sneak around for a bit hoping not to be discovered , those of us that do not consider the closet an option will live an authentic life as who we are and fight to the dead, and the worst is sadly two many of us convinced or brainwashed hate who we are so much rejecting life turn to suicide. So the next time you meet or see someone from my community, try showing a little kindness and or respect , I don’t think that is really a lot to ask, with sincere Thanks for your understanding.
“I attempted Suicide, it failed – I got married, it failed – Then I started Fightin” – Terry.K
Article by Terry.K posted February 15, 2018
footnote: TerKinByDesign in reality has nothing to do with designing, only that of who I am